The Hobbit Aesthetic

by Jon Sullivan - 2024-10-23 - Travels

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I am not by nature a camping sort of person. I am a cozy Hobbit hole sort. So camping needs to be less nature and more portable comfort.

The camping solution is finally getting dialed in. But if I'm honest it's more glamping. Since I have a strong aversion to things like mud and wet and cold and weather (basically Oregon), my "camp" is more of a portable apartment. Non negotiable items include : A warm and comfortable bed, proper gourmet meals cooked from scratch, complete shelter from the wind and rain, a nice fire, etc. And it all needs to fit in my car without blocking rear and side visibility while driving around town. And to head off any talk of camper vans or trailer thingies, my vehicle needs to be very good in off-road, muddy, and icy conditions. And it needs to work great as a daily driver, very comfortable on long road trips, decent gas mileage, not a pain to park, etc.

Full disclosure, for anyone not in the know - Jon is mental, and has to do things in a "proper" way, which most people would consider to be a combination of wasteful stunt and clearly wrong. No one needs to be able to cook a "proper" eggs Benedict out in the woods. No one. Well hold my beer.

The current loadout is pretty flexible depending on season and event. But it will usually include plenty of rugs, a 4 person tent because I bring a large mattress with proper bedding and a nightstand and makeshift dresser, both an easy-up with optional sidewalls and a larger tarp shelter, 2-3 tables to make up the kitchen, a propane fire pit, chairs and end tables, several strings of lights, several gallons of water, and a full kitchen with a workable oven. I also intend to start blogging from camp, so a tablet and laptop will come along. Satellite Internet is on my to-do list. For quick hops I'll forgo the expedition gear, just leave the mattress in the car, and sleep there.

Okay.... Maybe all that nonsense isn't too bad. But since we're talking about Jon, there will be challenges for bonus points. For example, made to order hollandaise sauce (since I'm not a caveman, and it was good enough for Julia Child) requires a cordless blender. Of course, I need legit pots and pans which end up weighing more than my stove. So, obviously, we're only going so far with the Hobbit metaphor. Frodo, it turns out, did not schlep a cordless blender to Mount Doom.

Future camp food plans - Pizza from scratch, cookoff worthy chili, chicken marsala, miso black cod, osso bucco with gremolata, mushrooms and spinach crepes, chicken Kiev, gourmet sausage rolls. I would love to do some sous vide cooking from camp, but that's crazy even for me.

So. Great. That's all peachy keen. But there is a problem. My old-guy life is lived at cross purposes. 1) I love fancy camping in the middle of nowhere out of the back of my daily driver. But 2) my goal in life since I was a child was to retire and just stay home and play video games all day every day. Obviously there is no overlap in the Venn diagram of these dubious life goals. So I've created a camp setup that, given camping access, I could comfortably live in forever. But using it prevents me from realizing my oldest dream/goal. In typical Jon fashion, I have fucked myself with fanciful arrogance. And no, the idea of camping with a real gaming system, including enough power generation and actual furniture, just is not possible.

If I'm honest, video games would usually win the tie breaking vote. But thankfully my new life in Oregon includes many non-negotiable camping requirements. Music fests, tribe gatherings, foodie stuff, king tides, friends and family who choose to live 14 hours away. And there is the substantial guilt of living in a natural wonderland but never experiencing it. So we do both and we don't stress and we just pretend it's not silly. Whether I am out in the mud eating shrimp eggrolls, or parked for 16 hours at my gaming desk eating Hot Pockets, I'm still living the dream.

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