Jon is.....

by Jon Sullivan - 2024-07-14 - Jonism

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Unknown forces changed who I am three years ago. I suspect more is needed.

The shock to the system of suddenly being able to feel joy has been a high I've been riding for years now. And the new friends I've made here have taught me more than I would have guessed possible about "peace, light, love, joy". But as magical as it all is, I think I need to take the reins again and engineer a Jon better designed for this new existential foundation of happiness.

The idea of being happy ALL THE TIME seems a bit worrisome, even to me. But I am. Some of it we can blame on Stoicism and it's philosophy of happiness through logic. Some of it we can blame on hippies out in the woods with their anachronistic ideas about peace and love and joy. Some of it we can blame on sobriety. Some of it we can blame on the drugs. Some of it we can blame on me just giving up - On me admitting my demons were too big for me to "fix" and just ignoring them rather than being stuck in a cycle of wrestling them.

I never chose or decided or tried to be so happy. I've just ended up that way.

So.... Jon is 61. And his life is happier than it's ever been. So what? That won't buy lunch. It doesn't clean my apartment. It doesn't change practical realities like being old and fat. Joy won't carry me up the mountain trail. My picture of happiness lives in a very tired and worn out frame. So more is needed, or I'll just sit at my desk at home, being constantly happy as I look at photos of places I'll never go, things I'll never do. Maybe so much happiness is a trap. Maybe so much happiness is enough.

As I sit here, and write about how more is needed, I realize I can't think of what that might be. When you have endless joy, what more do you strive for? Maybe I owe a debt to the world for all this happiness and I should devote some time to making the world a better place, but I'm not that sort of hippie. Money can't buy happiness, but now I don't need it to, so maybe I should work on getting more money to buy the things it CAN buy. Maybe I should lose 100 pounds. I mean.... of course I should lose 100 pounds. But maybe I should actually for real lose 100 pounds. Maybe I should start ticking off the abandoned items on my to-do list - Crabbing and fishing, returning to a minimal possessions lifestyle, a cookbook, multi-week road trips, my war on people who don't pick up their dog shit.

Maybe the next step is just working out what's needed. Beyond happiness. If anything. Working on the Venn diagram of what I need to do intersected with what I would/can do.

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