I have a social life

by Jon Sullivan - 2023-02-11 - Jonism

<<<<< previous blog         next blog >>>>>        album containing this post's photo

I spend time with people now. Eagerly. I often sit around pouting because I don't socialize more.

I am not who I was. It still confuses me. I've blogged about that many times. But wtf? I eat lots of tofu now. I drive an SUV. I have a ticket for an upcoming country music concert. And I spend time with people. Isn't that normal? Normal for most I'm sure. Odd for me. I think? I'm not sure. I remember in the 90s I was a very social person. Lots of parties, lots of new friends. But once I moved to California things slowly changed to the opposite of that. I've always blamed my inner shame and social anxiety. It felt like I might be a better person if I just wasn't around people.

But was it that? Was it me at all? My hermit period started and ended in California. Was moving to CA the cause? Seems highly unlikely. But so much lately has seemed unlikely. Maybe it was the drinking. Those California years saw me at my worst with alcoholism. Quitting booze might be it? Whatever. We will never know. Sobriety. Life coaching. Blow to the head in the desert. Proximity to the equator. All could be it.

I have garlic honey in my cupboard fermenting. I sit out on my balcony sipping coffee in the morning. My fake meat recipe is good enough to fool Marilee. I'm wondering if I should watch football this weekend. I wear wool everywhere now. I'm growing my hair out even though I know it will look dumb because I'm bald. I've discovered I like Grateful Dead tribute bands. As democracy and capitalism crumbles around us all, I find myself apolitical and worryingly content.

I've wanted to make queso birria tacos for a long time now. When I was in SD there was no reason to do that because they were super cheap there and way better than I could ever make. Eugene is a bit less of a taco town though. So making them myself is the only option, but it's a ton of work so I hadn't. But when Marilee asked me to cook a birthday dinner for her and her boyfriend I decided to run with that. Vegetarian birria is nonsense of course but it's the sort of culinary stunt I really like. It was wonderful to spend that time socializing. More wonderful than I can describe. As it has been with all of the friends I've made here, and all the events I've been to.

And that's sort of the problem.

I still have all the social anxiety. It's still a ridiculous effort to force myself out of the apartment to do things with people. Even though I always have a great time. Even though I miss it. I feel like I don't know how to act around people. And inviting myself makes me very uncomfortable. It doesn't matter. I need to be around people more. Maybe the SCA again? Maybe a photography club? And I know some readers here have invited me to get together, and I'll be following up. But know that I am somehow 100% gregarious and 100% socially anxious at the same time.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." - Douglas Adams

<<<<< previous blog         next blog >>>>>
Eugene weather
59.45 degrees F, Clear (clear sky)
Min: 57.02 ,Max: 61.11 ,Humidity: 85, Wind: 3.44
Eugene, OR - Best Restaurants
Eugene, OR - Things to do
Eugene, OR - Fish reports
Oregon road conditions
Recent Posts
- Jon is.....
    Unknown forces changed who I am three years ago. I suspect more is needed.
- Fake
    The amount of fake "photos" online is starting to worry me.
- Jon is green
    Some short takes on my exciting life while global warming slowly kills us all.
- Adventure
    Two years ago I was in San Diego packing up all my stuff. I wrote down some goals. How has that worked out?
- Love
    A year ago I went to a party that changed who I am and how I live. I went again this year.
- Pizza?
    For The Solstice gathering in Kalispell, may I take your order?
- Jonism
    There was a FB post asking people to post three things they are grateful for. I find that limiting.
Food I Cooked
Old School Blogroll
Home of fine hypertext products.
A community weblog.
A Chicken Is Not Pillage
You forgot his exclamation point! It defines him. He put it there for a reason, to show how in! your! face! he is.
abada abada - twenty years of jessamyn
Matt Haughey
A Whole Lotta Nothing
Heater, Mother Of Lance
Anil Dash
A blog about making culture. Since 1999.
Some Bits
Nelson's weblog
Everlasting Blort
proud member of the reality-based community
This machine mocks fascists
Scripting News
It's even worse than it appears.
Short attention spans in a world full of flowers
mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?
Montreal City Weblog
Stupid Evil Bastard
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Idle Words
brevity is for the weak
Making Light
Say what you mean. Bear witness. Iterate.
50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong
Justin Hall
Growing & breaking down since 1994
Mike the Mad Biologist
Helping idiots who desperately need my assistance by calling them fucking morons since 2004
AKMA’s Random Thoughts
Ruminations about hermeneutics, theology, theory, politics, ecclesiastical life… and exercise.
things magazine
An occasional weblog about objects, collections and discoveries
Miscellaneous Heathen
Hold to the now, the here, through which all future plunges to the past.
where it's always Virgo Season
Recent Trips
Getting it ready for you.