FAQ

by Jon Sullivan - 2019-08-25 - Status

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Fake answers to questions no one ever asked.

Jon Sullivan - The FAQ

First, Let's go over the rules:

1) Everything I write here is bullshit. This is by design. I am a cranky bastard. Unfortunately that doesn't fly at work. Or most other places. So this is my outlet. I like to stand in the village square and rant. But since it takes a village to do that, and we don't have a village, I do it here.

2) I don't talk about work here. At all. Don't ask.

3) Do not send me stuffed penguins. It was cute at first, but it has gotten very annoying over the years. Stuffed penguins given as gifts go right to work as erosion control, damp mops, and incendiary experiments. How can I be more clear about this? Do. Not. Send. Penguins.

Q: Name?
A: Jon Sullivan. Spell it John if you want. I don't care. No, it's not short for "Jonathan". Many people seem to have a great interest in why it's spelled this way. Feel free to use your imagination.

Q: Do you have a job?
A: I do. But I'm not going to say much about it, other than that I make a living writing database driven web applications. These days people get fired for writing about work on their personal journals. So don't expect to hear much about my work. I like it a lot, and find the job highly rewarding.

Q: Current location?
A: San Diego. I've been here since 1998. It's a great place to live. The housing costs are way too high (an average two bedroom rents for $1800 and an average house goes for $600K). But the culture, food, weather, attractions, and proximity make up for that.

Q: What software are you using for this site?
A: I wrote the software myself. No, you can't have/see it.

Q: When did you start this site?
A: The original site got started around 1994. The daily postings started in 2000. That version died because Facebook is evil. Current version relaunched in 2019.

Q: Where are you from?
A: Born in California. Stayed there till I was 10. Grew up in Montana. Stayed there until I was about 34. Now I'm back in California. What I've learned from this is that both Bakersfield and Helena are tied for the asshole of the US. But Missoula and San Diego are very nice.

Q: Birthday?
A: March 26, 1963

Q: Do you have a girlfriend?
A: No. Such things cut into my video game time.

Q: Who the hell do you think you are?
A: A cranky bastard. A good web programmer. A passable photographer. An intrepid traveler. A troll. A lover of food and cooking. Nerd, spaz, short, bald, gnome.

Q: Pets?
A: I'm not a pet person. I've had cats, fish, and snakes. These things really cut into a person's video game time.

Q: Are you going to Burning Man in 2020?
A: I don't think so. It would have been cool to go during the first few years. But I think it's lost it's mojo by now.

Q: What camera did you take those pictures with?
A: Various. Canon D60 at first. Then various other Canons. Switched to a Sony kit, with a Sony a7r iii now.

Q: Political Party?
A: Democrat. But you won't find me defending them much. If you want to argue that they're a bunch of naive, whiny, triggered losers, you won't get much disagreement from me. But given the alternative - Evil Republicans, lunatic Greens, or powerless Independents - I think they are the best people to lead our government. Many say this is picking the lesser of two evils, and it is.

Q: Could you share your ability of finding obscure and funny websites?
A: Metafilter. Everything worth linking ends up there sooner or later.

Q: Religion?
A: Atheist. If religion gives your world meaning and enriches your life than good for you. I don't have any problem with that. Some of the people I respect most in life are regular church goers, so it would be silly for me to think that religion is silly, indeed that it isn't valid and important. But I don't believe any of it. Of course we all believe in something, so I believe in Science.

Q: Did you really used to be married?
A: Yep. Three times. The first one lasted seven years, the second about ten months, third one 8 years. Bottom line - I'm great at getting married and I suck at staying married. And that's enough said about that.

Q: How bored are you?
A: I'm rarely bored. If I were bored I'd go do something. Why would I want to be bored? I don't understand this complaint when I hear it. Other than an excuse for whining, being bored serves no purpose.

Q: What's the most unusual/weirdest thing you have eaten/been asked to eat in your life?
A: Nothing much. Cow stomach I guess. No big deal.

Q: Did you ever have long hair?
A: Sure. Halfway down my back at one point. Long hair is very annoying though. Others seem to want me to have long hair, but personally I'm done with it. Too much bother, and it makes me look stupid.

Q: Why do you write this stuff?
A: No reason really.

Q: Favorite band? Favorite food? Favorite TV Show? Favorite movie?
A: Why is this important? Why do people care about these things? And don't the answers change all the time? I think people who ask these questions are just bored. But I must say, "The Muggs" is an awesome band.

Q: Where do you get the news?
A: From the fake media, just like everyone else.

Q: Why don't you get a life?
A: Why would you say that? Are you bored? Am I making you angry? Have you even checked to see if I have "a life"? Or are you just a whiny, bitchy person who can't handle the big scary world where people don't do things your way? I have more of a life than most people. I have trouble fitting in all the stuff I end up doing. Try to keep up.

Q: Boxers or briefs?
A: You are a weirdo.

Q: Why do you insist Aspartame doesn't cause brain cancer?
A: Well, all peer reviewed studies have concluded it's harmless. There is a rare genetic disorder that it will cause problems with. But if every major agency, lab, and study dealing with food additives and cancer says it doesn't cause cancer, that's good enough for me. Plus the fact that we've been using it for about 50 years now and the cancers it's supposedly causing haven't been turning up. So the only way we could conclude that it causes brain cancer is if we assume that people who drink diet soda just happen to also be immune to brain cancer. Rather unlikely I'd say.

Q: How come you didn't respond to my email?
A: I almost never respond to email. If you've ever gotten an email response from me you are very lucky. I also don't answer the phone. Or the door. Getting a hold of me is pretty unlikely.

Q: PC, Mac, or Linux?
A: Macs are for cult members. Linux is annoying. And PCs are Bill Gates' crime against humanity. I use a PC.

Q: Chicken or beef?
A: Tacos.

Q: Would you do a link exchange with my website?
A: No. I don't like you. You smell. And you look funny. Go away.

Q: If you were a super hero, who would be your sidekick?
A: Battery Charger Boy. Or Cable Organization Man. On second thought, I probably wouldn't make a very good super hero.

Q: What the deal with you and penguins?
A: I mentioned once, a long time ago, and only once, that I liked to go see the penguins at Sea World. Then for some reason I decided to get a stuffed Opus doll on eBay. And a while back I did an April fools thing were I said I was being sued for copyright violation on another stuffed penguin someone sent me. Since then everyone has decided there is some "deal" with me and penguins. There isn't. Don't send me penguins. They get cruelly tortured thrown out.

Q: What do you use to write your web pages with?
A: PHPStorm. And notepad. Nothing fancy.

Q: Diet Coke?
A: Diet Coke is a great symbol for this wonderful nation we live in. A Diet Coke drinker is instantly recognized as a wholesome and responsible member of society. This can be contrasted with the popular image of Pepsi drinkers as ill-mannered, malnourished, hooligans.

You can see it in the ads. Coke ads are clearly appealing to what is best in our society. In Diet Coke ads do you see horny seniors, hopped up on Viagra lusting after half naked teenagers? Hell no. And we all understand that Coke would never do such a thing. Conversely, Pepsi's branding is more about some ill-defined "new generation". What is that? Slackers and pimple-faced teens? Washed up, sex addled politicians? Nothing hip about that. More than anything else, Pepsi seems to be promoting itself to perverts and pedophiles. You stand that up next to Diet Coke and tell me which is going to appear hip.

Q: Why don't you sell your pictures professionally?
A: Because it's a pain in the ass. Someday I probably will, it makes me happier to just give them away. And if it was about making money I don't think I'd enjoy it as much. Too much bother.

Q: Who is your web host? Do you like/recommend them?
A: I host my sites at GoDaddy. There, I just lost all my programmer street cred. Are you happy now!!!??

Q: Can I come visit?
A: No. I'm a hermit. Which means I don't like people. I feel life is best when social interactions are kept to a minimum. I don't answer the phone. And I don't answer the door. If you were to come for a visit I'd just ignore you anyway. Best to not come visit I'd say.

Q: What's the most annoying thing about the Internet? And the best thing?
A: The worst thing is kiddies. Especially the ones who embrace trolling. Maybe I'm too old. Or maybe it's stupid. But what the fuck is wrong with you little brats? I suspect these ankle biters will have a great career at Happy Burger.

I suppose the best thing is the freedom and chaos. Three million channels of crap. But also ten thousand pages of brilliance hidden in plain view. HAH!!!! Who am I kidding. Best thing about the Internet is the porn.

Q: Why aren't you married?
A: Because it's something I suck at.

Q: Why do you call yourself a Discordian?
A: Reality is our hallucination of events caused by the aggregation of random atomic interactions. And chicken. Lots of chicken.

Q: So what's the answer to the world's problems?
A: Tax the rich to feed the poor. Better schools. A larger barrier to litigious assholes. Make voting easier. Accepting that no matter what color, religion, sex preference, politics, etc, everyone is mostly just like you. Universal healthcare. Rewriting the US constitution. A more healthy diet. One language for the whole planet. More fact checking. A base on the moon we can all visit. Open source. And a moratorium on stating opinion as fact.

Q: Why the domain "JonSullivan.com"?
A: Obvious and easy to remember. Witty domains are for those who like to be hard to find.

Q: Pizza toppings?
A: Sausage, onion, olive, mushroom.

Q: Why the hell would you publish this?
A: It's a babe magnet. All about trolling for chicks.

Q: When will you get to part two?
A: When I figure out what part two is.

Q: Games?
A: Master of Orion. Any tower defense game ever. Rimworld. World of Warcraft. Diablo. Stardew Valley.

Q: Where do you come up with these questions?
A: Most of them are stolen from other web logs around the Internet. If I see a cool FAQ, I steal all the coolness and put it here. Don't expect me to give you credit for your cool questions or link back to you. Feel free to call me names. <<<<< previous blog         next blog >>>>>

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