Here I sit

by Jon Sullivan - 2023-04-18 - Jonism

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I love my apartment. For the first time in my life I have a space that feels just right.

[ Allergy update - Yesterday the allergy symptoms were kicking my ass. Even after taking some Zyrtec I was miserable most of the day. I went out and grabbed packages from the UPS locker they have here and it was an ordeal I had to drag myself through. And this is after being full of energy on my fast paced road trip. Weird. Then this morning I wake up full of energy. I have no idea. But it seems like I only have symptoms when I am in my apartment. And I'm 100% fine most days, but completely trashed on others??? No idea. ]

For my whole life the space I've lived in has either been a dark hole I play video games in while I get drunk, or an acceptable nest the boy bird needs to maintain mostly for the girl bird. Now I have a new space just for me and my adventures. Part of the process of transitioning into a life of joy on tap was to leave everything behind and start over. I feel stupid for how much I spent rebuilding my "stuff" and my space. But I love it here. I have my incredible standing desk. My huge comfy bedroom. A legit dining table for the first time in 30 years. People come over for dinner and I cook them delicious food that we share along with wonderful conversations. The apartment complex, while not cheap, is honestly fantastic. I have lots of walls to cover with my framed photos. I've made it through a summer and winter here in great comfort. Since no one visits like they said they would, my guest bedroom stays at a proper temp to ferment kombucha and grow lion's mane mushrooms. I have a foyer with all my photo adventure go-bags stacked and ready to go. It's home.

The thing I love most here, which I never would have guessed, is my balcony. I sit out there and watch all the things I avoided for the last 25 years. There's a big park right there. It's not officially a dog park, but everyone uses it as one. So there's always folks out there playing with their dogs. There's swings and slides and sand pits and a basketball court and picnic tables. Children playing and laughing. Old couples going for a walk, hand in hand. Mothers pushing baby carriages. Birds and squirrels chirping. Teenagers gathering to do angst-y teenager stuff. Couples in love, walking and chatting. It's where happiness unfolds, a few yards from my balcony.

I hung a hummingbird feeder out there and get to see lots of them sucking up nectar all the time. I love that. Hummingbirds are incredible. And now I see them everyday, as I sit out there and sip coffee and watch the park. As I step on there several times a day/night to feel at one with the universe, and in love with the universe, and the universe in love with me.

What a contrast with 2 years ago. Never even opening the blinds or answering the door. No happy people or hummingbirds allowed in my hermit hole. No laughing children allowed inside my moat. No dogs running loose chasing balls in my cave. Being separate from the universe in my selfish cocoon. All of that isolation was perfect then. It's what I needed and I never felt like I was missing anything. My life as a hermit was full and happy. But New Jon is where I need to be now. With people. With joy. And this apartment is a wonderful part of that.

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