Are we there yet?

by Jon Sullivan - 2023-09-05 - Status

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Let's back it up a bit. The last couple years have been so odd that it often feels disconnected from reality.

It's been a crazy two years of constant identity change for me. And we're coming up on the 1 year anniversary of me first arriving in Eugene from San Diego. One of those big life events. Let's regroup here and see if we can finally wrap it up nicely. Are we there yet? Are we done?

I spent a long time in San Diego being very boring and unhappy and alone. Then things started changing with no motivation I can identify. Big changes, one after the other. Until now, when I'm the opposite of San Diego Jon - adventurous and joyful and social. And through it all I've literally felt crazy. I've asked friends and family to keep an eye on me in case the crazy escalates to where I need medical attention. It was funny at first. Ha ha, Jon likes BabyMetal lol. Big laughs. But it kept getting scarier and scarier to me. Becoming sober for no reason, hanging out with dead heads, sleeping in a car down by the river. A few weeks ago I had to talk myself out of the thought that I might actually be dead and dreaming this whole time. Yes, really. If not crazy, at least crazy adjacent.

It's all gone now. For no reason. And suddenly. Like..... boom I suddenly get tearful joy from BabyMetal videos, which feels crazy. And now...... boom I no longer feel crazy. At all.

So does that mean we're done? Are we there yet? Have the constant sea change moments come to an end? Is Old Jon now completely New Jon?

Maybe. Maybe not. I've been adrift so long I'm not sure I can even tell what solid ground is. The feeling of probably needing to be referred for adult care is gone. The feeling of all this being normal is finally here. Suddenly. Like one day I went to bed crazy and I woke up sane. Which of course brings to mind the old pop wisdom - Crazy people never wonder if they're crazy. And now I...... no longer wonder if I'm crazy......?

My cosmology, my "religion", my faith, is that all things derive from, and can be reduced to, rational and scientific rules. Nothing is truly magical, though there may be many things science doesn't understand yet. I reject anecdotal stories as evidence. I assume coincidence before synchronicity. Correlation does not imply causation. But my beliefs also have some stuff most strictly rational and scientific thinkers might find way too woo woo. For example I've always felt we are all one, connected to each other and everything across all time and space. This is either my interpretation of various theories involving quantum physics and Bose-Einstein condensates, or...... it's hippie nonsense. I choose to believe the former.

But too many things in the last two years haven't fit nicely into even my tortured interpretation of "spooky action at a distance". Going from 15 years of toxic WoW to inclusive FFXIV (wtf?). Watching BabyMetal videos and being overcome with joy (wtf?). Suddenly realizing I hadn't pulled from the four beer kegs in my house in months (wtf?). Realizing that just being kind to everyone with no judgments was key to a better world/economy/species (wtf?). Going from literally not seeing another human for 6 months, to hugging the first person I met in Oregon and realizing that hugs with great intent were the best best best thing ever (wtf?). Going from hating humanity to peace, light, love, joy (wtf?).

The only thing I could tie it all to was being batshit crazy. Years of crazy. Now 100% gone and over and done. It all makes logical sense now.

Are you seeing it? Are you seeing the obvious answer to why my scientific brain assumed these things were crazy for 40 years? I won't spoil it. I was only able to learn the hard way. No amount of reading or debate would have led me here. Maybe others are like me and need to be imperceptibly nudged over and over for years towards enlightenment.

Are we there yet? Yes. Yes we are. We are where we were going.

Or.... I'm crazy and should be referred to adult care.

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