Broken

by Jon Sullivan - 2023-03-01 - Status

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New year. New home. New friends. New adventures. New toys. Still broken.

I feel broken. Are we all broken? Most of us? Or just many of us? At 60 I find myself as ill-prepared for life as I was when I was younger. Still too impulsive. Still too directionless. Still too moody and distracted. Still making bad life choices. Still longing for I don't know what. Still addicted to video games and fleeting hobbies.

The last two weekends I roamed out around Oregon and took some incredible photos. I've done some deep dives into philosophy. I've hung out with friends. I've bought concert tickets. I've cooked delicious food. I've worked on learning new IT technologies. I've gotten lots of exercise. I've kept a tidy apartment. I've eaten plenty of fiber and vegetables, and kept processed foods to a minimum. I've lived in harmony and been as kind as I can be to every single person I've met. I feel like I'm doing things right in my old age. Yet I still feel surrounded by and chained to ghosts of the past.

I've learned and grown a bit to be sure. No longer being alcoholic is a big deal. But..... Now I can no longer blame all my bullshit and failings on being drunk. Being kind by default is a wonderful change. No longer being housebound and socializing again makes life much better. The final acceptance that I'm a really shit boyfriend/partner/husband feels like, sort of, an improvement. I can't just blame it on others now, it's me, and I don't seem to change. But that's sort of the situation in a nutshell - My vices and behaviors are largely gone. My messes and problems can't be blamed on other people or a wild lifestyle. It was me all along. I made this mess.

So.... No point sugar coating it or pretending it's all fine. It's not fine. Having to restart my career at 60 in IT is bad. Especially when my core skill set, PHP and LAMP stack backend programming, is fading in terms of industry need. And my sobriety has left me no refuge from reality. I really need a drink. But drinking now makes me feel awful and isn't really an option. Being alone feels like the best relationship option for everyone. But..... Having someone here to help... financially, emotionally, practically, physically.... would have been nice.

It doesn't matter. My life is now trying to find a job. Which means learning new skills...... Python, AWS certs, client-side, AI, DBA...... and making myself competitive with the young kids. Six months ago it was all about chasing joy and best Jon. The joy is still there if I need it. Adventures and photos will still happen. But "best Jon" has been kicked in the nuts by reality, and such bourgeois niceties will have to wait until I have a better shot at retiring. Best Jon got laid off. I'm still working on what "next Jon" will be. I know it will ultimately be fine. I just don't know how yet. So...... Find a new door and walk through that.

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