It's fine

by Jon Sullivan - 2023-01-24 - Status

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I am, in 2023 America, very lucky. Still.... getting laid off has made me whiny and cynical and frightened. Time to fix that.

Enough with the irrational thoughts. Sure, I'm old and slow. I spent too much money moving. Interviewing for dev jobs at 60 is insulting and torturous. And of course there is a flood of IT layoffs right now making the job market very unhelpful. Tough shit. The bills need to be paid and adventures need to happen. I've wallowed in doubt and self-pity exactly the requisite amount. I'm very lucky and need to remember that. So moving on.

It will be fine. Really. Going from excessive existential joy, to full on panic attacks was a bit much of a transition. But I'll find a new career without too much trouble. It will just be a lot of work. Right now I'm looking at a deep dive on LAMP and Laravel framework, certs for AWS, circling back to learn several of the "JS" technologies, making a plausible case for me being "full stack", Salesforce certs if I get bored. That's 3 months if a miracle happens, but more like a year if done right. I should have done it last year, but living in fantasy land where layoffs didn't happen seemed like more fun.

Best life is still the goal. But I'll be putting a lot of it on hold. Social Jon is still here. But I'll be prioritizing career stuff. All those life skills I learned as a hermit - total self reliance, minimizing needs, eliminating distractions, sticking to a plan, maximizing comfort - will be helping now. So less joy and more practicality. Fewer 700 mile weekends and more local. Less walking into the fire and more caution. Protect Jon, work hard, have fun. Still New Jon, just tempered a bit.

Walkies will help. I went out this morning for the first time since this happened. One of the reasons I spent too much money moving was trying to find the perfect layering options for walking when it's freezing out. The new Merino wool stuff is incredible. Two thin layers and I'm good for walkies down to 28 degrees. If the temp goes under 28 I add a light jacket. Cool inside at 70 while I'm getting ready, then warm as I head out for an hour in the freezing cold. It makes no sense. It's crazy. It is also insanely expensive. $100 for a t-shirt expensive. And the only way to see if a piece will work is to buy it and walk around for several miles. Some are great, some are crappy. On my lumpy frame they tend to be either too loose or too tight. I finally have it dialed in, but..... Let's just say I spent a lot. It doesn't matter. Walkies makes everything better, so fuck it. Walkies cures irrational thoughts. Maybe I can claim it all as a medical expense.

So here we are. Much of "new Jon" will have to be abandoned or reworked. Stoicism failed because I did it wrong (focused on the happy, ignored the real work) so that needs a rethink. Joy on tap is still there, but it matters a lot less. Bills and retirement planning take priority. Oregon will still be the place I should be, but I'll be limiting some of the trips until retirement happens for real. I'm sure a case could be made for keeping all the joy stuff and just adding some IT classes and job hunting. That seems like more work than I want to sign up for though. So I'll keep it more tight and focused. Best career > best adventure.

I'll be fine. Time to top saying it and start making it real.

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