Under utilized

by Jon Sullivan - 2023-08-01 - Status

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There is too much good stuff here. That was the reason for moving. But I'm just not worthy.

If you are physically here and forced to listen to me babble on about wonderful my life is, you will often hear me say it's all better than I deserve. Which sounds like whimsy, but it's true. I really do feel like I don't deserve all this beauty and happiness and adventure. My car is the most wonderful thing I've ever bought for myself, and it is far better than I deserve. There are so many beautiful things to photograph here that I feel stun-locked even thinking about an itinerary. The friendships I've made here are sometimes too much too emotionally powerful to deal with. I don't deserve so much love. My apartment, properly furnished, the biggest I've ever owned, is an extravagance.

I'm not trying to be humble or fish for compliments. It really is all beyond me. And I feel guilty many days that I'm not up to the challenge of utilizing all this bounty properly. I moved here for a grand adventure. Yet I'm only managing to live an average adventure. I'm not sure what that means. That I'm lazy? That my expectations are too high? That I'm spoiled and privileged?

[ an aside - The apartment complex is power washing the outside of the buildings this week. Which means I need to take all the stuff off the balcony so it doesn't get blown off the building, including the hummingbird feeder. Which is making the hummingbirds very pissed off. One of them is literally hovering in front of my window staring directly at me right now. "Where's my fucking sugar you filthy mammal?" ]

At the beginning of the year it was easy to blame the panic attacks. Then it was easy to blame the allergies. Then it was easy to blame myself for scheduling too many events. But it's August. Almost a full year since I arrived. And I'm just too far behind on my to-do list. I suppose I could play less video games, but they are super cheap entertainment and integral to my soul. I could watch less YouTube and Twitch, but they bring me much laughter in a depressing world. I could simply reject staying in and commit to leaving the apartment more. Maybe I could.... something.....

I know what you'll tell me. You'll say I should just enjoy the life I clearly enjoy so much already. You'll say this blog, and it's tedious babbling about how happy I am, is written proof I'm doing just fine. You'll scowl and tell me that complaining about too much bounty is both stupid and insensitive. Which is all true.

It's true. At 60 I've become self-indulgent. Somehow joy became the norm and I've lost touch with actual normal. I've forgotten about living in a cultural wasteland with nothing to do and no one to do it with. Or maybe I've yet to learn how to live a simple life in an adventure rich land. Maybe too much of Hermit Jon still lingers. Maybe apply some wisdom and learn to live casually rather than forcing it.

It is what it is. One day at a time. Piloting my incredible car to incredible places. Or not, and staying in to laugh at videos. You are right, joy is good enough.

[ Okay. Fuck this. The hummingbirds aren't having it. Putting the feeder back out. If it gets blown over the building I'll buy another one. ]

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