The decade that was

by Jon Sullivan - 2019-12-16 - Jonism

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Looking back on the last 10 years.

In 2010 I was in a bad place. I'd quit my job due to an inability to tolerate the rampant sexism and bigotry that HR actively condoned. I was stuck in yet another stupid marriage. At 47 I felt like I had accomplished pretty much nothing with my life. And I woke up most mornings unhappy that I hadn't died in my sleep.

As I said.... Bad place.

But in the 10 years since, things have gotten a lot better. Some of it was certainly the best years of my life. More than anything it was a decade of transition. From a life stupidly lived on narcissism and cruise control, to a more responsible and reflective life. Less self absorbed. More paying attention. Less wanting. More accepting.

Finding a job was hard. The last time I'd been job hunting, in 1999, programmers could get hired in hours. These days it seems harder, especially when anyone interviewing me will be 20 years younger. I'm certainly not an old fart befuddled by tech. But since I'm older than the parents of some people interviewing me, they automatically assume I'm clueless. It's scary.

I got divorced. Again. Hopefully this time I'll learn. What a stupid stupid idea that was. Today I find the need to have a partner to share my life with to be close to zero. Which seems like a good thing, given my history of failed marriages and bad judgement. I feel like I got married just to not be alone. But then it made me want to kill myself. Such bad judgement.

These days living alone feels just fine.

I got to live with Marilee again. At least for a year. It was absolutely the best year of my life. But it never lasts with us. How could it? It feels like in terms of both beliefs and lifestyle we are opposites. She may be the most wonderful person I know of, but we still don't agree on too many fundamentals. I am science, she is spirit. She will never be an all day gamer, I will never like jam bands. She will never eat meat, I will never not eat meat. For her Homeopathy is a lifestyle, for me it's...... how do I say this nicely......

I lost both my parents. I still talk to them every day.

We, as a nation, elected Trump president. Which has left me, a lifetime patriot and lover of the American dream, with little hope for our nation. At least in the short term. We've abandoned the rule of law, forgotten we hate monarchies, embraced gun violence and racism. As a nation we are broken and hate-filled in so many ways. Hopefully our kids can fix it. Because we got ourselves in a social and political swamp I don't think we can un-fuck.

Heading into 2020 and the next 10 years, I find myself perhaps happier and more content than I've ever been. Real retirement may be possible. I'm playing more video games than ever. My photography is on another level. I am thankful every day, and I live in the best place.

Let's hope I can not screw it up.

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