by Jon Sullivan - 2020-01-15 - Status<<<<< previous blog next blog >>>>>
So after whining about this a few days ago, I'm now constantly hearing it, rather than just filtering it out and saying, "I'm good". But.... actually, how am I today?
I'm really good. Like legit really good. I'm always happy. I feel like my life is on track and going quite well. I go to bed with no real regrets, and wake up with no feeling of dread for the coming day.
Which is an odd feeling. This is not the way my life has been. Most of my life I've been depressed. Everything from a constant veil of unhappy depression, to a borderline suicidal depression. More often than not I used to feel that life was just a shitty existence and that's the way life is. Endless relationship problems. One paycheck away from homelessness. Lots of alcoholism. Self-destructive lifestyle.
I went through a lot of years where I put a happy face on things and just accepted my fate. I accepted that I would never have a relationship work out, and put a happy face on it. I accepted I'd never have enough money to retire and just ignored it. I was short and fat and bald and old, but I pretended it didn't bother me. I had many happy times, but they never lasted.
But lately, I'd say in the last couple years, things have turned around pretty dramatically. I'll likely be able to retire for real, even if it's many years in the future. I'm single, but the past has left me quite certain that's a good thing. San Diego has been very good to me, and the city just seems to get better and better. My photos make me happy. My cooking makes me happy. This blog makes me happy. My friends and family make me happy. Video games make me happy. My career makes me happy.
Which just doesn't sound like me at all. What an odd feeling.
This isn't to say that it's all a wonderfully happy fairy tale of goodness. I'm still fat and bald. I'll never accept that being old is a good thing. I'd really like a new car, but I feel guilty spending that kind of money. Stress over being poor has been replaced by stress over saving for retirement. And as a patriot, the current state of American democracy makes me very unhappy. I'm still a pessimist at heart.
I used to have a ceiling on my happiness. Somewhere along the line that changed into a floor on my depression. Which I'm enjoying a lot.<<<<< previous blog next blog >>>>>