How are you today?, part 2

by Jon Sullivan - 2020-01-15

<<<<< previous blog         next blog >>>>>

So after whining about this a few days ago, I'm now constantly hearing it, rather than just filtering it out and saying, "I'm good". But.... actually, how am I today?

I'm really good. Like legit really good. I'm always happy. I feel like my life is on track and going quite well. I go to bed with no real regrets, and wake up with no feeling of dread for the coming day.

Which is an odd feeling. This is not the way my life has been. Most of my life I've been depressed. Everything from a constant veil of unhappy depression, to a borderline suicidal depression. More often than not I used to feel that life was just a shitty existence and that's the way life is. Endless relationship problems. One paycheck away from homelessness. Lots of alcoholism. Self-destructive lifestyle.

I went through a lot of years where I put a happy face on things and just accepted my fate. I accepted that I would never have a relationship work out, and put a happy face on it. I accepted I'd never have enough money to retire and just ignored it. I was short and fat and bald and old, but I pretended it didn't bother me. I had many happy times, but they never lasted.

But lately, I'd say in the last couple years, things have turned around pretty dramatically. I'll likely be able to retire for real, even if it's many years in the future. I'm single, but the past has left me quite certain that's a good thing. San Diego has been very good to me, and the city just seems to get better and better. My photos make me happy. My cooking makes me happy. This blog makes me happy. My friends and family make me happy. Video games make me happy. My career makes me happy.

Which just doesn't sound like me at all. What an odd feeling.

This isn't to say that it's all a wonderfully happy fairy tale of goodness. I'm still fat and bald. I'll never accept that being old is a good thing. I'd really like a new car, but I feel guilty spending that kind of money. Stress over being poor has been replaced by stress over saving for retirement. And as a patriot, the current state of American democracy makes me very unhappy. I'm still a pessimist at heart.

I used to have a ceiling on my happiness. Somewhere along the line that changed into a floor on my depression. Which I'm enjoying a lot.

Buy prints

<<<<< previous blog         next blog >>>>>
Sign-In With Google To Leave a Comment:
<<<<< previous blog         next blog >>>>>
News
Got the archive section here done finally. Fires and power outages in CA haven't effected me. I doubt they will. I'm fairly close to downtown with no brush to wory about.
Recent Posts
- Where's Jon?
    Every night I go to bed wishing I'd made a blog post.
- It's not all bad
    You can't really sugarcoat 2020. The third rock from the sun has taken a beating this year. But.......
- The mask thing
    As someone who has always liked the Japanese culture of wearing masks to try and not make your fellow humans sick, I'm all-in on masks.
- Jon is a hermit
    I know that the pandemic lock-down has been very difficult for many, but for me it's not so bad.
- Too much
    I get that if you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. But it's all too much for me.
- The new normal
    Lockdown is a big win? At 57 I'm finally learning lots of stuff I should have known all along.
- The new normal
    It looks like one way or the other we're going to start easing the lockdowns. But in the city, what does that mean?
Food I Cooked
Old School Blogroll
kottke.org
Home of fine hypertext products.
MetaFilter
A community weblog.
A Chicken Is Not Pillage
You forgot his exclamation point! It defines him. He put it there for a reason, to show how in! your! face! he is.
jessamyn.com
abada abada - twenty years of jessamyn
Matt Haughey
A Whole Lotta Nothing
dooce
Heater, Mother Of Lance
Anil Dash
A blog about making culture. Since 1999.
Some Bits
Nelson's weblog
Everlasting Blort
proud member of the reality-based community
Whatever
This machine mocks fascists
Scripting News
It's even worse than it appears.
Flutterby
Short attention spans in a world full of flowers
mimi smartypants
Seriously, though: what's with the penguins?
Montreal City Weblog
Stupid Evil Bastard
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Idle Words
brevity is for the weak
Making Light
Say what you mean. Bear witness. Iterate.
wilwheaton.net
50,000 Monkeys at 50,000 Typewriters Can't Be Wrong
Justin Hall
Growing & breaking down since 1994
Mike the Mad Biologist
Helping idiots who desperately need my assistance by calling them fucking morons since 2004
jwz
MSSV
AKMA’s Random Thoughts
Ruminations about hermeneutics, theology, theory, politics, ecclesiastical life… and exercise.
things magazine
An occasional weblog about objects, collections and discoveries
Miscellaneous Heathen
Hold to the now, the here, through which all future plunges to the past.
kimberussell.com
where it's always Virgo Season
Cockeyed
World of Warcraft
Getting it ready for you.
Recent Trips
Getting it ready for you.