The time we have

by Jon Sullivan - 2022-07-26 - Jonism

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In the hourglass of my life, time is running out in so many ways.

When I was younger I looked back in envy. Times when I had a better body, more hair, endless energy, more sex, better parties. It made life a bit of a struggle, a bit of a constant futile effort to get more of it back. Trying to workout more to fight diminishing returns. Trying to diet to offset bad genetics. Trying to pick up more women instead of focusing on fixing myself. So much envy for something moving further and further away. So much fear of getting old and fat and slow and lonely and miserable.

I was very often miserable. The constant stress of it made me miserable. It took me a long time to understand that the misery was just my own envy for things long past. You can't fight time. There is no time diet. Barring death, old is a fact.

So..... Time ran out on dying with a good looking corpse. I can lose weight and workout. Of course. And I do. But now the goal is more to not have brittle bones and break an arm if I fall. Or to manage an easy hike to a mountain lake without having to be airlifted. The goal, simply put, is to be in good enough shape to live in Oregon.

Time ran out on picking up women. That used to eat at me constantly. But at this age, and with my awful choices in women, being single seems like a much better life choice. Sharing my life with someone would be very nice. But I obviously suck at it so bad that it would be more wasted time and episodic heartbreak. I think I've changed for the better. Less self centered, less perverted, less stubborn, less obsessed. More shutting up and listening. But I thought that before the last divorce, and the divorce before that, and (laughably) the divorce before that. So I don't trust my feeling of change. Maybe it wasn't time running out. Maybe...... probably..... Jon is just shit at relationships. And more than anything I am very very tired of hurting women I loved.

Time ran out on being rich. Still time to build up enough for a comfortable retirement. But not enough time to save for the lavish retirement I hoped for. So it will be more incredible food cooked at home, and fewer chef's tasting menus. More staying in New Orleans for a few months, less staying in Italy for a few months. Staying in Ireland for a few months will be a thing of course. Let's not get crazy here.

Time ran out on being normal. I never got the therapy I should have. I never reconciled my dislike for people in general. I never even tried to break through my social anxiety. So it's here for good. Ran out of time to expand my hobbit hole to include a normal chunk of the world and people and events. I deal with "outside" much better now. The fear and self-loathing is mostly gone. I enjoyed the farmer's markets on my recent Oregon weekend. Strangers passing by said hello, and I not only heard them, I said hi back. So...... better...... But still a broken toy for sure. Time ran out to not have done all the shitty stuff I did in the past. Time now to own it, learn, move on.

Time ran out on pretending to be young. Now it's time to move forward with the old person plan. Before time runs out on that stuff.

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