I didn't understand

by Jon Sullivan - 2023-07-03 - Jonism

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The last two years have been more transformative for me than the previous 58 combined. Here we go again....

I feel like I became a different person a couple years ago. Kinder, no longer anti-social, seeking virtue. No longer hating myself. No longer drinking myself into unconsciousness. Seeing the good in people, and not judging so much when I don't. Being happy and helpful instead of angry and manipulative. It was a pretty huge transformation. And it was wonderful. That big life change felt like being tossed into the deep end of the pool and learning to swim.

I thought I understood. I didn't understand at all.

This weekend I went to a gathering Marilee has talked to me about for years. Some guy who put on a four day music festival every year, in his backyard, just for him and a few of his close friends? Or something like that? She seemed to really like it. Cool.

Let me digress....... Let's start at the start. So at the beginning of this year I blogged about a NYE concert I went to in Portland, and how it was one of the most wonderful weekends of my life. But I didn't go into detail about why it was so wonderful. And there were many things that made it so special, but one in particular really touched me. For years Marilee has talked about Drew and his party. But when I say "talked about" I mean she shared it in that Marilee way where she shines as she speaks and her light makes you listen with your heart as well. She's like that now and then.

I thought I understood. I didn't understand at all.

While I was listening to the NYE concert, Drew, this great man I had only heard of, walked up and introduced himself. He already knew who I was and that alone melted my heart. We chatted and at some point he said, "you should come to my party." My melted heart turned into a pool. I hope he didn't see the tears of joy overcome me. That would have been super weird. Yes, yes of course, I would like that. I hear it's fun.

I thought I understood. I didn't understand at all.

If the last two years transformed me from an angry, self-loathing, hermit, into a disciple of kindness and harmony, this weekend showed me there is so much more growth and understanding I need to take on. If the last two years felt like being tossed into the deep end of the pool, I feel like someone just yanked me out and pitched me into the middle of the ocean. What the fuck just happened. My mind..... no, not my mind..... My being is still reeling. And I know you are all thinking I must have been stoned out of my damn mind. But I was 100% sober the whole weekend. I may have been the only one who was. And I am thankful I can't rationalize it all away as a hallucination.

I thought I understood. I didn't understand at all. Now I understand.

I've known Marilee my whole life. We've been through hard times together. We've shared love and joy together. Since back when we dated in high school we've sometimes been apart for years at a time. But never really apart. Often she would talk about some "peace light love joy" thing that I would smile and nod. That's nice Marilee. I'm happy for you. You would think I'd understand Marilee by now, in the 45 years we've been so close. I didn't understand her. Not completely. But now I do.

I understand now. Marilee is tribe. Tribe is Marilee.

There was so much more. The people and the music and the food and the conversations and the hugs. Man..... The hugs..... You can't even..... I could go on. But you wouldn't understand.

But I can sum it up - Peace light love joy.

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