Eternals - Spoiler alert

by Jon Sullivan - 2022-02-01 - Opinion

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One of you could have warned me not to watch the Eternals movie. You knew it would wind me up, and you just let it happen.

First of all, I get that it wasn't going to follow the comics. I'm cool with the Deviants not looking like doughy blobs. That would be silly. I get it. I can even kiiiiind of accept that Thanos gets retconned into no longer being a Deviant. Kind of? But I get it. Even being 110% on team Kirby.... Some things just needed a reboot. But this story isn't a reboot, it's a steaming turd.

I'm not buying it okay? I lived through WoW's BFA and Shadowlands expansions. I know really really really sloppy story writing. Did this movie farm out the story to Blizzard or something? Even if it's not an MCU movie and is just some separate sci-fi thing, it still has no internal logic. None of it makes sense just on it's own merits. And when you combine the lazy, sloppy writing with the lazy, sloppy retcon with the lazy, sloppy total lack of MCU relevance...... No. Just no.

The Deviants don't even matter. They play literally no role in the outcome of the movie. The same plot works just fine without them. And the stated reason for them being there - to kill the...... the umm.... wait, what were they supposed to kill? The dinosaurs that roamed the Earth 7000 years ago??? Humans were fine holding their own against lions and such. So I suppose the Deviants were to kill the.... ummm.... Wait, so... I think we can all agree human civilization wouldn't have arisen if the Deviants hadn't killed the..... the...... giant ground sloths maybe?

The worst part? The retcon fixed nothing. Famously, the Eternals problem in the comics is that they are just wimpy compared to most other groups of superheroes. So we retcon them even weaker? So it would take the MCU Avengers a leisurely minute to stomp the hell out of MCU Eternals? Oh... Yeah, I forgot, all of the other MCU heroes (and villains) are somehow ALL down for a nap when the planet literally cracks??? Dr Strange just happened to skip "what's at the center of the planet" class? Thor, who knows Celestials quite well, got drunk and forgot for 10 years? Decided to take a sick day?

I fully expect the Eternals 2 movie to explain that it was all a dream. It might as well have been, since it had zero relevance to the MCU. The lazy story writing, pointless retcon, and Deviants only included for ..... reasons? These weren't the only anger inducing problems. The exact same fight scene is recycled throughout the movie? Ikaris and Sersi's lack of the chemistry the entire plot hangs on? What could have saved the movie, Kro, gets 90 seconds and is then thrown away. More Kro, less Ikaris flying into the sun (???!!!???) please.

I get it. It's a comic book movie. It's not gunning for the best screenplay Academy Award. But this was just a total waste of the IP. At least we have Pip the Troll now. That I can get excited about. Disney should put Patton Oswalt in charge of preventing movies like this. Full stop.

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