Control

by Jon Sullivan - 2023-01-05 - Status

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Someone pointed out to me, San Diego was all about me micromanaging control over everything, but Oregon has been about letting go of control.

It's possible the theme of giving up control is central to all the happiness I've been feeling the last few months. Less control means more new experiences and influences. New people in my life. Randomness on the regular. More risk and reward. But at the same time this brings a lot of anxiety and stress. Things are happening I didn't plan for, didn't think I'd like, and all of it has been chipping away at any control I've previously had. It's not that I'm letting more things into my comfort zone, my moat, my personal space. It's more like my comfort zone is expanding so fast I no longer know where it's boundaries are. At all.

On the one hand losing control and no longer being able to micromanage is terrifying. On the other hand, it's turning out to be a huge source of happiness. Having friends I see more than once a year is wonderful, but it also makes scheduling more complex and puts me back at risk of social anxiety. An urge to touch people ties together many of the threads related to my goal of living in harmony, but it also freaks me the hell out and risks offending someone. Not everyone wants an old fat bald guy being overly friendly and touchy out of nowhere. I can't control the reactions and impressions of others. Yet I keep approaching everyone, even strangers and service workers, with harmony as my main motive. A frequent voice in my head is, "stop flirting with the waiter Jon".

Those times when I laugh in a very weird way and start crying from joy. Those are the moments when I had zero control and something wonderful just overwhelmed me. It feels incredible. But the losing control part of it still bugs me. I want control, but lack of control is wonderful. Around and around in my head. I want control, but lack of control is wonderful. I worry if I'm crazy. I feel happy, but I also don't feel normal. My relationship with control seems to be one of the important keys to new Jon. I want control, but lack of control is wonderful.

When I was younger I didn't care about control much. I took risks enthusiastically. But I was also a selfish jerk with an apparent death wish. And when I started to see the negative effect my words and actions had, I started to withdraw into a more controlled life. Fewer friends, fewer activities, fewer possibilities, and more control. Now I'm reverting to my high risk youth. But now, hopefully, I'm doing it with virtue and harmony.

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