Terrified

by Jon Sullivan - 2022-09-02 - Status

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I'm learning and growing. Finding joy on tap. Yet still making wildly impulsive life decisions based only on instinct and moxie.

I'm throwing out the old. Almost all of it. And then moving myself and what's left to a place I've spent years convincing everyone I won't like. But I did the math, and the sweet spot is, if we map out my best future on this planet, Oregon, for at least the next few years. Tortured grammar and all.

But famously, my ability to make big life decisions of this sort is ALWAYS WRONG. My math has, based on history and results, always led me to do things that turned out to be reckless, impulsive, and ill conceived. So moving to Oregon..... Getting rid of all my stuff.... Completely changing my life and attitude and values and..... Everything......

Okay, I'll admit this crazy idea is likely going to get very messy. And the supposed seed for the whole thing, a brain injury out in the Mojave, is obviously not a good incubator for big life decisions. But here we are. Most of my shit is long gone. I'm moving.

It's a bit terrifying. Most online comments about Eugene encourage people to NOT move there. The weather sucks year round. Crime is off the charts. Double the homeless rate. Crazy high housing prices. No Amazon same day delivery. They let deer just wander around and poop on everything. Terrifying. The place is so white it makes me feel cringy. So no culture. I somehow need to learn to love it all. Love the mud, and mold, and weather. Learn to love the rural vibe. Jesus...... wtf Jon...... rural. I'm going to live in..... rural. /shudder

Which makes it extra weird/suspicious that I have no doubts about doing it. The plan all along was to retire and live all the places, photograph all the things, eat all the food. And working from home means I can jump start that now. For years my research into exactly where those places might be has led me to Oregon. And when you run the math, the choice boils down to 1) go down comfortable but bored in SD, or 2) start over, chase new adventures, and go down gamblin'. So we gamble on Oregon. We gamble on Jon and his skill at reinventing himself. We gamble on Stoic virtues being able to transcend bugs and rain. We gamble it all for some crab and photos. We gamble we're right, that the hobbit hole, no matter how comfortable a solution it might be for social anxiety, is a shitty way to die.

It's a gamble I'm not afraid to take. But I'm still not sure how it will actually work. Fuck it. Let's do this. "Damn the torpedoes! Four bells. Captain Drayton, go ahead! Jouett, full speed!"

Full fucking speed people. Damn the weather. Damn the mud. Damn the rural. Four bells. Full speed ahead.

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